Bad opening lines for speeches

I really have nothing to add except that there is a jolly good reason the man in the bottom left is by himself.

Welcome to the Jungle

Part of me feels bad about doing this.  But it’s only a really small part; about as big as my little toe nail.  The other part (about me-sized… minus one toe nail) thinks this is funny.

Here, look at this:

Deserts of Central Asia.

Or, how about this:

 

The jungles of India?

Or this:

A hottie in Hawaii.

Being a fairly hirsute man I would like to say (a) Ha! I made you look at chest hair really, really close up, and (b) as far as man hair goes, tastes have really changed in the last thirty years.

The fashion now is for the hairless male body.  The hairless female body is gilding the lily a little, but the hairless male body is – in 95% of cases – a total work of fiction (and wax).  If they were making Magnum P.I. today would they wax Tom?  Tom Selleck?  One of only two men I can think of who looks sexy in a mo? (The other is Clark Gable.)

I loved Magnum P.I. when I was a kid.  The credit sequence is engraved in my memory.  It was written by Mike Post who is the guru of TV theme tunes.  It is my thesis (that’s right, I said thesis) that it was the credit sequence of early 80s TV shows that laid the foundation for good music videos in the era of MTV.  Magnum P.I. is a case in point.  That swooping helicopter and guitar riff are so perfectly matched I can’t separate them in my head.

In August of 1982 Magnum P.I. was playing on TV in New Zealand, and I was not doubt watching.  Drinking in the beaches, and bikinis and hair.  That’s what life could be like – I no doubt thought – life could be boat shoes, and Ferrari’s and afro combs for my chest.

Some of the Magnum P.I. dream has come true.  I live on an island in the Pacific. 

I have chest hair.

The return of the innane

Also, of course, I have a duty to maintain my low standards while I’m pontificating about education.

Don’t worry, my quest through 1982 has only been temporarily delayed, and not permanently ended.

How about this copy from an ad in 1982?

I know right?  Aglow with lustrous sheen?  Fused in fire?  Persimmons, aubergines, paisley?  This is like being in sexy greengrocers flirting nonchalantly across the subtle spicy sophisticated floral counter.

What on earth could it be advertising?

Marrakesh.

Sounds good.   Intriguing even.  But there is a hint of trouble.

Express soft harmonies in creams and beige.

Beige.

Nothing good ever came of beige.

My pulse is racing.

But wait, there’s more.  Drink this is:

Yes.  You have forgotten taste. 

As if one porcelain dog were not enough you have two, and a miniature David.  Never mind the macrami pot plant holders and the wood veneer feature wall.  Was this bathroom designed by Del Boy?

Is there a God?

Fly the flag

Very briefly something strange happened in the album charts in New Zealand in 1982.  Let’s watch it happen. 

The week before it happened:

If you’re not from New Zealand then there is a chance you think I’m going to make fun of DD Smash and their album Cool Bananas, but this is not going to happen because DD Smash were awesome.

Elton John Jump Up!  Now there’s something to make fun of (I have already, here).  By far the most risible though has to be the number four and number five double whammy of pap.  On the other hand, when you’re trawling youtube to find something to mock Kamahl with you might find this and see him in a whole new light:

So.  Are you ready?  Here it is.  The week I was talking about:

I know, right?  AMAZING.

Translation for rest of planet: the top three places on the album chart in New Zealand on the 2 May, 1982 are held by New Zealand or Australian bands.

Explanatory notes for people living in Britain or the USA: until some time in the mid 90s mainstream New Zealanders didn’t really like New Zealand music.  In Britain and the USA you are used to having music from your own country all over the charts.  In New Zealand we are not.  Aside from the fact we are too small to have enough quantity to fill up the charts, we also suffered from cultural cringe.  Mostly we thought of New Zealand music as being worse than British and American.  Which, to be frank, it often was – it wasn’t all the fault of New Zealand public – but sometimes it wasn’t, sometimes it was really, really good, and just needed a little love.

This chart then is a really remarkable feat.

It didn’t last.  One week later we have this:

Richard F&%king Clayderman as I like to call him.  Man he was popular with middle-aged New Zealanders in the early 80s.

Split Enz were a very good band and (for the three people who don’t know) had Tim and Neil Finn in its final line up.  Neil, of course, went on to Crowded House, but Tim has also made a lot of good music since.  Actually all the tracks I like on Time and Tide are either by Tim or the band rather than by solo Neil.

I’m not sure which track to play for Split Enz.  Six Months in a Leaky Boat is pretty fantastic, but I have always loved Dirty Creature.  Mental illness sounds great with a good bass line.

Cool Bananas is harder to get a video for.  The only things I can find have a very low volume, and the big song from this album – Devil You Know – really needs to be played loud. 

Dave Dobbyn (the DD in DD Smash) really deserved fame outside of Australasia.  Such a fantastic musician (well, until he stopped drinking).  Totally implausible as a rock star.  I mean, check out this outfit from the Radio With Pictures gig:

I can’t tell you how cool Adidas, stirrup leg pants were in New Zealand at this time.  Dave would have been rocking it a bit more if his pants had been black.  (Incidentally, I am aware of how funny the phrase “stirrup leg pants” sounds in England).

Dave was never a man who was ever going to rival Elvis, for example,  in the sex-appeal-o-meter stakes and, as we have seen, he wasn’t a snappy dresser, but he wrote great songs and, at this point in his career, there was a lot of fantastic stuff to come.

Maybe, then, we’ll save a Dobbyn clip for a little later.

Intriguing

Ever since I saw this ad it has sort of blown my mind.

Is the correct answer: Knight to F4?

I just don’t know.  I had to look up Beer Bottle in the Official Chess Rule Book.  It said (I paraphrase):

The Beer Bottle may be played after twenty moves once the player has become inebriated.  At the point of inebriation the player may slam the bottle down on the board, say that he “loves” his opponent, and then, on being rejected, use the bottle to knock all of the remaining pieces off the board and start a fight with a passing stranger.

Which is cool.

I do have a question though: in 1982 where was DB exporting its shitty beer to exactly?