Bad opening lines for speeches

I really have nothing to add except that there is a jolly good reason the man in the bottom left is by himself.

The return of the innane

Also, of course, I have a duty to maintain my low standards while I’m pontificating about education.

Don’t worry, my quest through 1982 has only been temporarily delayed, and not permanently ended.

How about this copy from an ad in 1982?

I know right?  Aglow with lustrous sheen?  Fused in fire?  Persimmons, aubergines, paisley?  This is like being in sexy greengrocers flirting nonchalantly across the subtle spicy sophisticated floral counter.

What on earth could it be advertising?

Marrakesh.

Sounds good.   Intriguing even.  But there is a hint of trouble.

Express soft harmonies in creams and beige.

Beige.

Nothing good ever came of beige.

My pulse is racing.

But wait, there’s more.  Drink this is:

Yes.  You have forgotten taste. 

As if one porcelain dog were not enough you have two, and a miniature David.  Never mind the macrami pot plant holders and the wood veneer feature wall.  Was this bathroom designed by Del Boy?

Is there a God?

Intriguing

Ever since I saw this ad it has sort of blown my mind.

Is the correct answer: Knight to F4?

I just don’t know.  I had to look up Beer Bottle in the Official Chess Rule Book.  It said (I paraphrase):

The Beer Bottle may be played after twenty moves once the player has become inebriated.  At the point of inebriation the player may slam the bottle down on the board, say that he “loves” his opponent, and then, on being rejected, use the bottle to knock all of the remaining pieces off the board and start a fight with a passing stranger.

Which is cool.

I do have a question though: in 1982 where was DB exporting its shitty beer to exactly?

Middle-aged

Part of me, let’s say my little toe, identifies with the ad in this post.  Now that I am at the wrong end of my 30s I sometimes find myself in homeware shops avidly regarding completely useless kitchen gadgets and wondering how I ever managed without them.  Usually I catch myself before wasting my money on avocado stoners, or mandarin pith removers.  Usually it happens this way: I imagine myself at about 19 years of age looking like a total tit in an outlandish and unconvincing Jim Morrison costume with a head full of Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana wandering past the shop and sneering at me.  I imagine myself, sneering at myself.  19 year old John-Paul would regard a set of lovely pottery spice jars with the contempt they deserve.

Still, when it comes to being a homeowner (aka – indentured serf to the bank) in your 30s you do find yourself every now and then in the thrall of the most tedious kind of consumerism.  Consumerism which is all about buying stupid 80s music I get.  It gives me a thrill.  Wondering which kind of fridge will best “meet my needs” leaves me… cold.  Just shoot me and be done with it.  No matter how you dress it up, trying to get me excited about kitchen appliances is just going to make me laugh.  I might guiltily then investigate your product on the internet, but in public I reserve the right to laugh at you.

What an awesome phone conversationalist this woman is.  Not only is she bragging by leaning on the word NEW, she is also somehow managing to convey fancy writing with a brown background and a white border when she says Classique.  Looks like the hubby is in for a treat tonight at the dinner table: whole roasted capsicums with a splash of coffee and tea.

The focal point of your kitchen?  Sounds like the kitchen needs an upgrade.  Who are these people?  Why are disembodied heads endorsing this product?  How does Carol Booth of New Plymouth manage anything WITH NO HANDS? 

I like how this ad is targeted at women so explicitly.  It actually helps.  Any kind of ambiguity is dangerous.  For example, when I first saw this ad for example I thought it was about breakfast cereal.

Why would I want a serviette with my breakfast though?  Feminine napkins?  Napkins with little flowers on them?  Well, if you insist.  Now, quit stalling and pass me a bowl and some Sure & Natural.

Serving Suggestion

If you look at the pictures on the outside of say a packet of biscuits or a box of cereal you may notice some small print.  The small print must be there for legal reasons.  Quite often you see a disclaimer saying something about the photo not showing the actual size of the product.  Recently I noticed that if the photo shows the product with any other type of food it has to be labelled as a “serving suggestion”.  Some how this just seems like the wrong term.  What they really want to say is either (a) this is what you eat it with dumb arse, or (b) we’re trying to make a lump of food interesting by putting it with other stuff (dumb arse).

I think this photo fits into category (a):

This is not really a suggestion.  This is in fact what you do with Vegemite.  It would be like Toyota “suggesting” you put petrol in your car.

Into category (b) comes this kind of thing:

If this is actually a serving suggestion then it seems that Sanitarium are indicating we should fill up our bowl with milk, put it on the floor, and drop all our Wheet Bix and sliced fruit in it from a ladder.  Which is fine by me, but seems messy.

Biscuit packets also offer helpful hints about how to serve their products.  This is a nice touch:

How about some little mint leaves with your mint biscuit?

This is my favourite suggestion though,

How about halving a coconut and serving that with your next macaroon?  It’s these little Martha Stewart touches that can really enliven an otherwise boring snack.