Eleanor’s Election Report

6AM

Woke up early.  Dad seemed grateful to be up in time to see Sesame Street.  We often miss it on Saturday morning even though I have repeatedly asked him to get me up.

Ordered breakfast from the wait staff.  Presented with two pieces of bread (white), not toasted, no butter with honey on both.  Called the waiter back who seemed a bit surly and demanded to know why the second piece of bread (white, cold, no butter) did not have jam on it.  He made some frankly almost incomprehensible comment (where do they get these people) about being tired, and running out of jam, and wanting to be struck dead by God because it was only six o’clock and he was very tired.  I told him to go back to the kitchen and not make any noise.

8AM

Had to get my personal assistant to lay out my wardrobe selection three times.  I don’t think it is complicated but he struggles.  Butterfly undies go with spotty socks and flower tops but not (how many times do we have to go over this?), I repeat NOT with stripey socks and love heart T-shirts.  PA tried to get huffy with me.  Had to call him back into my room and give him a real talking to.  He complied enventually, but was clearly shoving fairy undies back into drawer with an attitude.

Later I asked Mum what we are made of and she said “meat”.  Furious.  Ran to the other end of the house to find Daddy who was in the toilet.  He also seemed cross.  After some debate he eventually agreed to agree with me that we weren’t made of meat if I would leave the room.  Settled on the fact that we are made of bone and skin.  Thinking back on it I might also add hair, although perhaps that is only Daddy.

9.30AM

Mum and Daddy took me to school hall, handed a card to  a person, who checked a book, and then gave them two pieces of paper.  Went to booth, ticked bits of paper, and then – you’ll never believe this – put the two pieces of paper in boxes, and left school hall.  Afterwards Daddy insisted I stand beside a bright orange sign.  Just the other day I had wanted to draw a picture of a dinosaur on a piece of paper, fold it in half, and stick it down the back of the fridge and Daddy had told me to stop being so silly.  This is bald faced hypocrisy.

Taken to craft knack by mistake.  Left Mum and Daddy bickering over sausage sizzle change and went to playground.  Met some interesting people there.  Had an illuminating discussion with one young girl about what-if-were-My-Little-Ponies-would-we-be unicorns-so-that-we-could-disappear? 

Took a long time for Daddy to come and get me.  He seemed cross again (he needs to get more sleep I think) and wanted to know where I had been.  I’m not sure why he asks these questions.  Does he really want me to say “In the playground” when we are standing in the playground?  Wanted me to eat a stone cold sausage in a slimy piece of bread.  I refused.  He could at least make sure he gets a hot one.  Daddy started making a speech about being grateful, but I cut him off and told him I wanted a cupcake.

He tried to tell me I didn’t deserve a cupcake, but I patiently explained that he had already promised me a cupcake and that it was wrong to go back on promises and that I had never actually asked for a sausage and had he really expected me to stand around with him while he looked at perfumed soaps and silly knitted hats with mummy and not go to the playground?  Daddy asked me what colour icing I wanted on my cupcake.

Rest of Day

My staff seemed out of sorts today.  Had to really let them have it three or four times to keep them in check.  Honestly, first it was wanting to  go to the supermarket, and then it was wanting to browse in shops.  I find that if you give too much ground to these people they take advantage.  My tolerance broke looking at silly books in the library.  Best thing about the library is that if you start screaming there Daddy will leave immediately.

Evening

7PM

Taken to bed too early again.  Tried to explain to Daddy about my schedule but he was doing that thing where he pretends he is deaf.  Decided to get into pyjamas and let him read me a story to humour him.  There was a little tension over the number of kisses I wanted before going to sleep.  I wanted 100, but he would only do ten.  Daddy said he had to go and watch TV because it was an important night.  I let him go after fifteen kisses and a warning.

7.30PM

Problems getting off to sleep.  Got up to get a drink of water.  Mummy and Daddy sitting up on the couch in the living room.  Quite a frosty reception.  Had to ask Daddy three times for a glass of water before he moved.  Heard him mutter “You know where the tap is.”  I thought, but did not say, “if you’re so tired and grumpy maybe you should go to bed.”  Tried to convey this by glaring at him over rim of cup.  He told me to hurry up.  Back to bed.

9.40PM

Feeling thirsty again.  Mummy and Daddy sitting on couch laughing in a way I didn’t like.  Old man on the TV had a nice smile.  Some kind of party going on.  What is this channel?  Never seen it before but seems like a good idea: TV shows about people having big parties and throwing streamers and playing music.  Daddy gave me water and takes me to bed.  Seemed subdued.

10.00PM

Needed to go to toilet.  Mummy and Daddy still watching party tv shows.  This one had a green theme.  When I come back from the toilet the party had changed to one with only one man and some people in yellow ties.  Daddy doesn’t seem to like this party, but the four or five people there seem to be very happy. 

I took myself back to bed.  Need to get some sleep in before Sesame Street tomorrow at 6.  Daddy will probably forget again, but I won’t be too hard on him when I get him up.  He looked quite sad.  Maybe if he sings the Elmo song in the morning he will feel better.  I hope he remembered to buy jam.

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6 thoughts on “Eleanor’s Election Report

  1. Actually, she asked me “Mummy, are we made of meat?”, to which I replied, “Well, yes, I suppose we are.” When she then added blood and bone, I also agreed, but clearly my answers were not what she was looking for, and she ran off, furious!

  2. I was away from all coverage of the election till about 11pm, so I’m totally curious what this refers to:

    “Mummy and Daddy sitting on couch laughing in a way I didn’t like. Old man on the TV had a nice smile.”

    Winston, perhaps?

  3. Winston indeed.

    He flashes his smile and I laugh, but it’s a high cocoa content laugh, more dark than sweet.

  4. Eleanor, I missed this funny programme because I drank my wine too quickly and fell asleep. It wasn’t really my fault – it’s just that I am approaching grandfather age. I’m a bit worried about that dad of yours. For one thing, he should lock the door when he goes to the toilet. I think he’s being very selfish about the Sesame Street thing. Look in his room – he probably has an alarm clock. Make sure this is set with the big hand just before 12 and the little hand on 6. You were quite right to be upset about your mum’s reply to your question regarding what we are made of. She obviously didn’t care because she didn’t mention that we all have a tummy, eyes, teeth and fingernails. I mean, how could you eat if you didn’t have a tummy? I’m thinking of contacting social welfare – these parents of yours are dumb!

  5. “I thought, but did not say, “if you’re so tired and grumpy maybe you should go to bed.” ”
    Snap! I’ve wanted to say this to him many times too.

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