What’s the deal?

I feel sorry for you.  This must be one of the oddest blogs in the world to try and read.  Does he even want to blog?  Is he a political blogger, or an education blogger, or an 80s music blogger?  WTF is the matter with this guy?  He closes it, opens it, passwords protects, unpassword protects, then makes it private.  Is he actually sane?

Well, I pledge to you that I will make no changes to this blog again until the end of next year.  At the moment this means I have ten readers.  These people have made a conscious choice to email me and say they’d like to keep reading.  On that basis I’m happy to continue.  I like writing.  It is the only way I can make sense of the world.

I have recently developed this probably unfounded or at least exaggerated view that things like twitter, facebook, blogs and comment functions on news sites are making things worse and not better for civil society.  It is creating a narcissistic, knee-jerk, oppositional culture that has a whole slew of knock on consequences at a personal, and societal level.  I don’t want to be a participant in that.  I don’t want to add to it.

On the other hand, if you want to be here then that’s fine.  I’m pleased to have you.  If you think of other people who might want to be here too (but don’t know it) then feel free to let them know to email me: manoferrorsinfo@gmail.com.

Now for other matters.

***

I have been listening to Hatful of Hollow by The Smiths again.  I know that opinion on The Smiths is divided, and I understand why some people don’t like them.  Actually, it’s probably Morrissey they don’t like, rather than the band.  He’s not a great singer, and many of his melodies sound very similar.  I – of course – love him.  I last listened to Hatful of Hollow in 2008 or 2009 I think.  In 2015 it is the song Accept Yourself that really strikes me.  I think it’s the first time I’ve really actually listened to it.

Everyday you must say
so how do I feel about my life
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
when will you accept yourself?

I am sick and I am dull
and I am plain
how dearly I’d love to get carried away
oh but dreams have a knack of just not coming true
and time is against me now

Who and what to blame?
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
when will you accept yourself?
for heaven’s sake…

I found a life expectancy simulation yesterday, and I rather glumly input my data (male/42) and then watched the statistics accumulate.  At the time I switched it off I had about a 35% chance of living another 30 to 39 years, and about a 40% chance of living 40 to 49 years.  It wasn’t particularly pleasing to think that I’ve likely lived half or perhaps more than half my life.  Of course I knew this, but seeing it in a graph was a bit confronting.  Try it if you want to.

Rosamund asked me as I put her to bed if I would be with her forever.  I said yes because “forever” is a very vague word at 5 years of age, but then she asked if we would die.  Instead of saying “yes” I said “not for a long time”.  She is going through the same phase that Eleanor went through where she tries to account for her missing grandfather, my dad.  Is he dead?  Why? How? Why?  It’s hard to understand this person who doesn’t exist.  Where were you before you were born?  Where do you go?

It’s now that matters of course.  I’ve a hard time keeping now in focus.  My mother gave me a book out of her bookcase today, a copy of The Pilgrim’s Progress.  On the inside someone has written in pencil my paternal grandmother’s name, and the year: 1911.  Just a little thing like that baffles me.  How can it be that there is already 104 years between the hand that wrote for a moment or two those four numbers, and me here now?

See how I get pulled away from myself?  It’s so easy.  Why is it so hard for me to attend to the people who matter most, who are here with me now?  I must do better.  I will do better.

I have to tackle a whole lot of things too dull or personal to enumerate here, but suffice to say that over the last few years I feel like I have become a weedy lot.  Time to pick up the tools again, clean things up a bit, and push forward with some purpose.  Time to accept myself… for heavens sake.

 

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